ok here goes: this morning i had a realization that was not new but hit me in a new way. "I HATE BEING SCOLDED" well that little friend within really hates being SCOLDED and does not react very well to perceived scolding. which of course means that i do not react well either. how does this relate to "sticking my neck out" you say?? i think in the course of my early development anything that was not within the norm was wrong wrong wrong. just wrong no need to explain. "do not do that!" "why??" "just don't, shame on you." when you do not know why something is wrong it must be you that is wrong aka SHAME.
Psychoanalyst Helen B. Lewis argued that "The experience of shame is directly about the self, which is the focus of evaluation. In guilt, the self is not the central object of negative evaluation, but rather the thing done is the focus."
or as was related to me sometime ago Guilt is "I made a mistake" and Shame is "i am a mistake."
For the longest time that little friend went confused into his shell but was angry. at what he did not know but just angry. (i) he kept this anger inside and spent a lot of time inside that shell. there it was safe and not so scary. unfortunately you can not live inside a shell forever. we are social beings and need to interact with others. because i did not really get it about wrong and right i kinda of developed my own ideas and became SNEAKY. since i did not really know but also did (confusing). mostly i played the good guy but held onto this anger related shame. when internally i felt scolded or shamed i lashed out before going into my shell. now i lash out and attack people who really are not scolding or shaming me it just feels that way on the deepest level. until recently i called this lashing out the work of my "saboteur" aka little friend. i cannot heal a saboteur but can help a friend. learning to be ok with my neck out and going into my shell when needed is what turtles teach. when i come upon a turtle they either jump in the lake or go into there shell. unless it happens to be a snapping turtle: i once was driving along the interstate and saw a big turtle attempting to cross. 4 lanes of traffic and a grass medium. i stopped on the shoulder and went back to help him across. his shell was bloodied and dented. he had pulled in each time he was hit but now had his neck out and was on the move again. when i picked him up he stretched his neck back as far as it would go to snap at me. "hey i am just trying to help" only he did not see it that way. guess i am sometimes like that snapping turtle. hmm had know idea this would all come out.
