things are turing upside down

whoa!!! how did i get here?? well first off many things have changed since i retired, moved and opened the door to a deeper level of myself. holy shit!! am i really taking on all this at once??? yes with gratitude, joy and a large dose of fear. the fear is a real problem cause i don't always know it as fear so it rears it ugly head as anger, defensiveness or justification. after a while i realize i am just afraid. "but what do you have to be afraid of"you say?? "everything i say" ok maybe not everything but a lot according to my programming.  hmm time to reprogram (no no no not that) well really if i want to enjoy the rest of my life with my wife and friends reprograming seems to be the answer. ok what does that mean?? how the hell should i know. i do know that being in my skin does not feel good a lot of the time. when i allow myself to acknowledge that how i think or look at things may be flawed or downright wrong it feels like the world as i know it is turning upside down. the last post i talked about SNEAKY well have been thinking a lot about that. for me sneaky seems to be a habitual pattern. sneaks in even when it is not welcome. because of mr sneaky i am filled with rationalization and justification. "i just" is a really dumb phrase that i use way to much.
ok it has been a while since i have written on this topic and now it feels like i am rolling and tumbling. i saw a big snapper the other day plodding across southern boulevard(very busy 6 lane highway) and pulled over to help before i could reach the snapper a truck sent him rolling,
tumbling and crushed. a women blocked the lane he was lying in but we were to late as he was dead with his shell smashed. humans see think nothing of blocking an ancient path from pond to pond with an impossible road for a snapper to cross. sad to loose such a wonderful animal.
i think i am finally settling into my new skin and life. still not sure what is happening to me but it feels for the good. great not having to go to work everyday.also having time to meditate, read and work on projects i enjoy.  

Sticking My Neck Out

ok here goes: this morning i had a realization that was not new but hit me in a new way. "I HATE BEING SCOLDED" well that little friend within really hates being SCOLDED and does not react very well to perceived scolding. which of course means that i do not react well either. how does this relate to "sticking my neck out" you say?? i think in the course of my early development anything that was not within the norm was wrong wrong wrong. just wrong no need to explain. "do not do that!" "why??" "just don't, shame on you." when you do not know why something is wrong it must be you that is wrong aka SHAME.


 Psychoanalyst Helen B. Lewis argued that "The experience of shame is directly about the self, which is the focus of evaluation. In guilt, the self is not the central object of negative evaluation, but rather the thing done is the focus."
or as was related to me sometime ago Guilt is "I made a mistake" and Shame is "i am a mistake."


For the longest time that little friend went confused into his shell but was angry. at what he did not know but just angry. (i) he kept this anger inside and spent a lot of time inside that shell. there it was safe and not so scary. unfortunately you can not live inside a shell forever. we are social beings and need to interact with others. because i did not really get it about wrong and right i kinda of developed my own ideas and became SNEAKY. since i did not really know but also did (confusing). mostly i played the good guy but held onto this anger related shame. when internally i felt scolded or shamed i lashed out before going into my shell. now i lash out and attack people who really are not scolding or shaming me it just feels that way on the deepest level. until recently i called this lashing out the work of my "saboteur" aka little friend. i cannot heal a saboteur but can help a friend. learning to be ok with my neck out and going into my shell when needed is what turtles teach. when i come upon a turtle they either jump in the lake or go into there shell. unless it happens to be a snapping turtle: i once was driving along the interstate and saw a big turtle attempting to cross. 4 lanes of traffic and a grass medium. i stopped on the shoulder and went back to help him across. his shell was bloodied and dented. he had pulled in each time he was hit but now had his neck out and was on the move again. when i picked him up he stretched his neck back as far as it would go to snap at me. "hey i am just trying to help" only he did not see it that way. guess i am sometimes like that snapping turtle. hmm had know idea this would all come out.     

THE RACE OF LIFE

The Hare and the Tortoise An Aesop's Fable

An Aesop's Fable

The Hare was once boasting of his speed before the other animals. "I have never yet been beaten," said he, "when I put forth my full speed. I challenge any one here to race with me." The Tortoise said quietly, "I accept your challenge." "That is a good joke," said the Hare; "I could dance round you all the way." "Keep your boasting till you've beaten," answered the Tortoise. "Shall we race?" So a course was fixed and a start was made. The Hare darted almost out of sight at once, but soon stopped and, to show his contempt for the Tortoise, lay down to have a nap. The Tortoise plodded on and plodded on, and when the Hare awoke from his nap, he saw the Tortoise just near the winning-post and could not run up in time to save the race. Then said the Tortoise: Plodding wins the race. I have always liked this Fable because basically i am a plodder. One of my favorite phrases is  "Chipping Away Just Chipping Away"  but in the end i usually get things done