whoa!!! how did i get here?? well first off many things have changed since i retired, moved and opened the door to a deeper level of myself. holy shit!! am i really taking on all this at once??? yes with gratitude, joy and a large dose of fear. the fear is a real problem cause i don't always know it as fear so it rears it ugly head as anger, defensiveness or justification. after a while i realize i am just afraid. "but what do you have to be afraid of"you say?? "everything i say" ok maybe not everything but a lot according to my programming. hmm time to reprogram (no no no not that) well really if i want to enjoy the rest of my life with my wife and friends reprograming seems to be the answer. ok what does that mean?? how the hell should i know. i do know that being in my skin does not feel good a lot of the time. when i allow myself to acknowledge that how i think or look at things may be flawed or downright wrong it feels like the world as i know it is turning upside down. the last post i talked about SNEAKY well have been thinking a lot about that. for me sneaky seems to be a habitual pattern. sneaks in even when it is not welcome. because of mr sneaky i am filled with rationalization and justification. "i just" is a really dumb phrase that i use way to much.
ok it has been a while since i have written on this topic and now it feels like i am rolling and tumbling. i saw a big snapper the other day plodding across southern boulevard(very busy 6 lane highway) and pulled over to help before i could reach the snapper a truck sent him rolling,
tumbling and crushed. a women blocked the lane he was lying in but we were to late as he was dead with his shell smashed. humans see think nothing of blocking an ancient path from pond to pond with an impossible road for a snapper to cross. sad to loose such a wonderful animal.
i think i am finally settling into my new skin and life. still not sure what is happening to me but it feels for the good. great not having to go to work everyday.also having time to meditate, read and work on projects i enjoy.
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